I know I risk ridicule and possibly resentment for putting out this post about the struggle I am facing in my life at this moment. People are fighting hard right now to keep the metaphorical mask on: you know, the one that smiles and tells everyone that everything in their life is good; nothing is the matter. But in the darkness of night, when they are home alone, the truth of the matter is beating them down into the ground like a mallet. Pride won’t dare let them ask for help or to tell the truth so that the universe can answer the intercessory prayers that might have been.
I have never shied away from telling the truth of my daily life from my readers/supporters mostly because I do believe that there is healing in sharing our stories. But more so because I know that I am not the only one going through some things. Common sense tells me I am not. And so here is my glorious truth:
I am trying desperately to hold on to my sanity, to my faith, to what I believe to be my life, but the darkness keeps coming at me like rapid fire from a machine gun. I am in prayer and meditation every day, and there are some great signs that the universe is hearing my pleas/requests/needs, but some days …. well, I feel like a fraud on most days, telling women to hold on and be empowered, and here I am dang near 40, educated up the butt, but jobless, broke, no life insurance and a mate who has about had it with me. Do I feel like I am contributing to my family’s success right now, as well as my community? No, I feel like a leech.
But in my meditation and prayer on my face this morning, when I asked God what was my center – my foundation – because I feel I’ve lost it, he told me “service.” My life – my center – is to serve. But I asked him, how can I serve when I cannot even help myself? The answer again: serve. I did not understand the message at first because, well, I am human, and I want the answer to be plain as day. Then, I turned on my cell phone and there was my daily scripture:
“Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him” (James 1:12 ESV).
Yes, I am under fire, but I am not alone. I must remain steadfast as do you; and how do we do that? By sharing our truths and then asking for intercessory prayers. Because I have said before, sometimes God needs to hear others pray for you. He needs to know that we are encouraging and loving on our brothers and sisters. At the end of the day, it is not about what the world thinks of you, what you drive or wear. You do have to take care of your personal responsibilities, but in that, we must hold onto one another. Be truthful, ask for help, and LOVE yourself in service to others.
Repeat after me: I am not a fraud. I am simply human. I make mistakes, and it’s alright because through them, if I stay true, if I stay centered, I will have served.
As always, I’ll pray for you, and please pray for me.