When Faith Becomes a Delusion and Denial

This past week, I found myself confronted – or rather, affronted – by the true meaning of “faith.” In one incident, it was a friend who was not sure what it meant and the other, a darker incident. I have a family member whose mind & body is being ravished by an incurable disease. With the former, I was more easily able to help define what faith is, but for the latter, I was forced to come to the realization that faith when not implemented correctly, can become a delusion and a dangerous form of denial.

Stay with me, please. Many of us have grown up hearing that “faith without works is dead” (James 2:14-26). But WHAT does that really mean in this dimension – the human life? It means this: WORK=ACTION. Do you know of people who are always hollering about how God is going to do this for them, do that for them, but yet they are sitting at home eating or drinking their life away? Or, they are in financial ruins, borrowing money here and there, never paying it back to the lender? They suffer from obesity or any other “illness” that is treatable or curable or even manageable, yet they continue to do the things that will exacerbate the illness – hence, their demise?

You see, that is not positive works. The “work” that is required in order for God to move you into your blessing is praise, and praise comes in two forms: the verbal and the physical. How are you praising God – the universe? How are you showing Him that you are willing, open and available to receive his blessings? Sitting on your laurels professing to the world that God is going to heal you or bless you does not bring forth fruit/blessings. It is delusional and has one in a state of denial. And when we begin to operate in the realm of delusion and denial, we move away from the work – from God: from our purpose.

If you want “this” or “that” from God – the universe – you have got to not only speak it, but put in the work. You must give him PRAISE: work your faith. You want a job? Are you putting your resume out there? Are you networking with folks everyday? Are you hustling for the blessing? You want to be healed? Are you eating right, doing what your doctor advised? Are you also praying in earnest? But more importantly, are you passing along the knowledge that you have learned about your illness in order that you might also save another life?

If faith is the essence of things not seen, then if you wish to “see” it come to pass, God – the universe – needs to see you hunger after it: WORK=ACTION. Praise is work in action! As always, let’s keep one another in prayer, but let’s also help one another work in faith, not in delusion or denial.

A Purpose Driven Life

The Girlfriend Connection

I started Average Girl Magazine in 2003 after the death of my cousin, Damita Oglesby, the daughter of my Aunt and Uncle Charles Oglesby. She was a victim of domestic violence, dead at the age of 30 with several children left behind; they played the song “I’m Going Up Yonder” at her funeral. It hurts me every time to hear it, but the message is so real. I am reminded that tomorrow is not promised to anyone, but if I/we can help to save a life – save a dream – through my work with Average Girl (now The Girlfriend Connection ), then Damita’s death and all women (and men) who suffer in silence will not be in vain.

Our calling is sometimes given to us through what we see as tragedy, but God always has a bigger purpose for it all. We never understand that purpose while in the midst of the pain, but years later, when something in our minds is triggered to flashback to that moment of intense human pain, we realize it then. And in that realization, a little bit of joy is let back into our hearts and minds. That’s His gift – his reminder- to us: that He has us in His hands … always.

Stay focused and purpose driven, family, no matter what. To God be the glory.

Just Ask Him!

I am often amazed at the insight of children; perhaps that’s because I believe, as do many, that we are closest to God when we are children because we have no fear. We use our imagination daily and speak freely, without tact, which sometimes gets us into trouble as children. But every once in a while, like a streak of sunlight peeking through a blanket of dark, heavy clouds, an innocent wisdom emerges.

He had just come home from school – my 10-year-old son – and I was hurrying him so that I could pick up the baby from the babysitter’s house across town. We had settled into the drive – I was deep in thought, and then he hit me with it: that deep knowing.

“Mom, why does it take some people so long to know what they’re gift is?”

I lost the air in my lungs for a few seconds. This was one of those life shifting moments and I – his assigned parent-guardian – had to be careful with how I answered him. Because this is where we make our mistake: trying to assign to ourselves a gift that has not yet been made fully and clearly plain to us, or worse, is not our true gift, but a borrowed gift.

So, I took a few more seconds, exhaled and said, “Many people never know what their true gift is because they refuse to accept the gift that God has given them. When I hear certain people sing, I wish that I could sing too, but that is not my gift. I am a writer, and I have to be happy with my gift because it’s special in its own way.”

And that’s the message I share with you today, dear Reader. Our gifts/talents/callings manifest themselves to us when we come to accept them. Coveting others’ gifts prevents you from coming into your own, and from living in the joy and blessing of that gift. Once you do so, then the universe will open up its bounty to you – the blessings that have been laying in wait for you.

“Okay, mom! So what is my gift?” he asks.

“Well, I’m not sure. It has not been revealed to me yet. You are a natural athlete and that is something special, too, and not to be ignored. Perhaps you need to ask God to reveal to you what your absolute special gift is.”

He sat silently for a moment and I could see him in my rearview mirror thinking this over with a furrowed brow. Finally, he says: “Yeah! You’re right. I’ll ask him.”

Ask him. Now that is wisdom. Out of the mouths of babes!

Submission is not Inferiority, but Wisdom in Action

Tell a modern day woman to “submit” to her husband and you might as well start walking towards the planks because Davie Jone’s Locker is where her words will send you; it is almost a form of blasphemy – that word. It has also been unforgivenly assigned the meaning of “obey,” hence, its removal from contemporary wedding vows and in marriages. No one, it seems, wants to be told what to do.

I am currently teaching a women’s literature course and one of the texts I’ve elected to have us read is the “Book of Ruth.” Raised in a pentecostal church, I was always taught to believe that women were to “submit” to their husbands because the Bible said so: women were inferior to men. But I’ve come to the conclusion after analyzing this text and other works by women – as well as life experiences – that the word “submission” has been taken out of context.

Submission means understanding and accepting one’s value and place within the context of a relationship to bring forth a desired outcome or goal of said relationship. When Ruth lay at the feet of Boaz, at the urging of Naomi, it was not because she was being taught to be inferior to Boaz. Naomi understood, as did Ruth later on, that in order to protect and bring forth the future, she had to “submit” herself in order for it – the future and its generations – to come to pass. It was wisdom that made Ruth and Naomi “submit,” not inferiority. This is where modern day teachings of this word have fallen short.

Women are not inferior to men or men inferior to women; but rather, in order for a relationship to reach its full zenith and to be productive, the couple must come to understand and acknowledge that each has a value and place within the context of the relationship, and that no one is more valuable than the other. Scripture says that man is the head of the home, but the woman is the neck. Neither can operate fully and functionally without the other.

I call for a closer look at the word “submission.” It has been assigned a negative meaning because it has been taken out of context and made an instrument of the fight for power between the sexes, hence, the severe impact on modern day marriages. When Boaz awoke to find Ruth at his feet, he did not gloat or proceed to enforce domination over her. Rather, he said to her that she was a “virtuous woman,” and restored to Ruth what was rightfully hers: her home. And so begins not only one of the most famous love stories ever, but the opening of the door of the future which would bring forth David.

We must learn to submit to the will of the force which embraces and binds our relationships: to obey the spoken and unspoken rules of engagement in a true and fruitful relationship. Arguing and fighting for control and domination does not bode well a bright future nor does it allow room for wisdom.

The Three M’s: Massage, Manicure & Make-Over

Women today are more stressed and pressed than our mothers and grandmothers ever were. We are wives, mothers, businesswomen, students, grandmothers, employees, etc. Unfortunately, because of the many roles we play, women are dying of strokes and heart attacks in record numbers. Even the statistics for suicide among women is unusually high. So, how can we, women of the 21st Century, manage our many roles and health? Here is one strategy that was created with you, your life and your budget in mind.

The Three M’s: Massage, Manicure & Make-over

Massage: What better way to end your week or start it than with a massage? Thirty minutes of peace & tranquility; who could ask for more? A massage can last anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour depending on two variables: the type of massage you elect to have and your budget.

The full body (my favorite), the Swedish, hot stone, reflexology and a plethora of other kinds of massages were designed to de-stress, relax and exfoliate the body. But be careful with this “M” because a massage can be expensive, hence the second variable. Check on prices from local salons; ask for references, check out the establishment’s décor (one must feel comfortable in a place where they are about to be semi-naked for an hour) and staff friendliness. Speaking of staff friendliness, you will need to look deep within yourself to ascertain your level of comfort with having a masseuse who is either the same sex or the opposite. Account for all of this when budgeting for the massage. I suggest going once a month or every other month as this bill can add up depending on the type of service you purchase.

Now, when you set your appointment ladies, do not, I repeat, do not let anyone in your family know where you are going. The whole objective of this particular “M” is to get away and have time for you to reconnect with yourself. We take care of everyone else every day. The massage is an hour made just for you. You can’t relax if your kids, husband or the office keeps blowing up your cell phone. Turn it off, bury it beneath your pile of clothes and escape to Fantasy Island. My masseuse, Olivia at http://openhandsmassagecare.com/ in Richmond, VA, is my ultimate guide to massage heaven, and she makes sure that no one interrupts my moment of bliss.

Manicure: Your nails and hands are your first impression, especially in business. There’s nothing worse than going to shake someone’s hands and their nails are chipped or broken, or worse, dirty. What does this say about their character? If they can’t keep themselves well-kept, how then can they take care of your business? Keep your nails groomed at all times, but more importantly, there’s nothing that can compare to how good you feel when your hands and toes look pretty. Find a nail technician whom you can trust to take care of your nails. My nail tech, Kim, of Beauty Nails in Midlothian, VA, is wonderful; I have been a client since 2006 because she knows the business of nail care, and the constant compliments I receive about my nails is proof of her work. So, find an expert nail tech and keep those first impressions clean, polished and perfect. Remember, though, you must budget for this two times a month, if possible.

Make-Over: I am not talking about a make-up or wardrobe make-over, but a spiritual/physical/mental make-over. Positive thinking begets positive experiences. We must not only learn to surround ourselves with positive people, but create for ourselves affirmations and self-declarations that uplift us. My friend and beauty expert, Susie Galvez (http://www.susiegalvez.com/), insists that the first thing a woman should do upon waking up is to stand in front of the mirror and say confidently to yourself, “Hello, beautiful!” Why? Because if you don’t believe that you are beautiful, no one else will.

Okay! I know it’s difficult to do this with most of our schedules, but we must find the time to workout (see Walking), whether it be in the am or pm (whatever works best for you). If you can, find a personal trainer. They can be expensive, so see if you can barter services. For example, I approached a local fitness trainer about working with me, but I could not afford his services. So, I offered him a deal; ‘you train me and I will give you a health and fitness column in my magazine.’ He accepted. Free PR wins every time.

Read one book a month that teaches you something new about yourself, life, politics, etc. If you are a fan of fiction, read non-fiction (ex. finances, autobiographies, self-help books). If you love non-fiction, read fiction. I love mystery/suspense novels, so let me recommend my favorite author, Jane Evanovich. Her “Stephanie Plum” series makes me laugh so hard, I get a headache (http://www.evanovich.com/). Try reading poetry or writing some. This will definitely stretch your imagination.

Want to read more about how to take care of yourself inside and out? You can find this entire article at http://ezinearticles.com/?Taking-Care-of-Self-Inside-and-Out&id=963371.

Hold My Mule

I often marvel at the power of the universe and how it will reveal itself to us if we only pay close attention and then receive the message. This past weekend I had the pleasure of traveling to New York City to see a performance of one of my plays. But prior to leaving for NYC, I had a very dark dream in which I was in the belly of a whale. I was surrounded by its shadow as I lay on top of a kind of platform on top of a pool of clear water. I remember falling into the water as I looked at the whale beneath me and almost panicking because I thought I was going to drown or be eaten alive. But then, the water lifted off of me and I saw the edge of the pool and was able to reach the edge to safety.

Now, I had no idea what that dream meant and neither did the people I told about it, but I knew instinctively that it meant something. I learned a few days later that whales mean tranquility. Hmm! Ok!

Then it happened. I was in the middle of what could have been a very violent confrontation with someone who I thought was sincere about my work, but turned out to be a leech who was trying to take credit for my story. Now, the Rebekah of 10 plus years ago would have gotten into fisticuffs with someone like this, but instead, all I kept hearing in my head as the tension escalated was “hold my mule.” And I did. My companions could not believe that I was remaining calm and peaceful in that situation, and for a minute, neither could I.

But then it hit me on the way home last night. The universe had warned me about that moment; it had told me to “hold my mule” – my anger. That person was not in the right mental place to receive my message even if I had “cussed” her out. I had to learn in that moment what it meant to be tranquil.

I share this message with you today to encourage you to not only listen to the wisdom of the universe when it speaks to you, but to also hold “your mule.” Anger and bitter words often do not make the situation any better, even if you feel it will make you personally feel good to get it all out.

Blessings comes when we heed the messages, decipher the metaphors. My “mule” was my anger; the belly of the whale was the protection from the destruction of evil intentions, but only if I remained in a tranquil state amidst the darkness. And that’s what I wish for you today: tranquility in the midst of the darkness.

When G.I. Jane Comes Home

Two days ago, I got a call asking me to attend an event at the Women in Military Service for America Memorial at Arlington Cemetery: Launch of the Trauma-Informed Care for Women Veterans Experiencing Homelessness by the Department of Labor’s Women’s Bureau.

I rarely ever talk about my time in the military for reasons I never thought about until I got that call. In fact, I never really referred to myself as a veteran because, well, it just didn’t feel right. When I hear the word “veteran,” I always think of wounded men returning home from war as do countless others I learned after asking my students to describe a “veteran.

So, a little reluctantly, I agreed to go. I had no idea what to expect or how to feel. I just knew that I was going there to meet a few people to offer my services to; I am a writer, you know. And I did talk to people. I also learned some hard-core facts such as women veterans are 4x more likely to be homeless than men and more military women are raped than women in the general population. I bet you didn’t know that last part? Why? Because as was so eloquently stated by Congresswoman Gwen Moore and reinforced by U.S. Department of Labor Secretary, Hilda Solis, military women suffer in silence.

1 i n 3 female veterans reported either being a victim of rape or assault while in the service. I thought about this statistic which Secretary Solis shared, and then it hit me why I rarely talk about my time in the military. I know of women in my unit who were sexually and physically assaulted and our commanders, the people we trusted, turned a blind eye. “He’s a good airman,” they’d say. “He wouldn’t do that.”

I guess I was suffering in silence too for not telling the world I was a veteran. Because even in 2011, it still feels like women and our voices do not matter. But that all changed today as a room of over 100 (and men) sat eagerly and patiently to hear about the new guide created by the Women’s Bureau and their sister organizations to help tell the stories of women veterans who are suffering in silence. Our stories, our voices, our service matters, they said. And they now had a way – tools – to help treat women veterans who are in need. Because when these women come home from war, they shouldn’t have to fight another one, a more deadly one, at home. They deserve better, Congresswoman Moore reiterated frequently.

To download the guide, visit www.dol.gov/wb or call 202-693-6710. And tell them you learned about the guide from a woman veteran who has just reclaimed her voice and her rightful title of “veteran.”